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'Sup, GILF?

Title: ‘Sup, GILF?
Author: burntotears
Pairing: Rachel/Puck
Rating: NC-17 for completely unnecessary smut
Word Count: 3580
Spoilers: All aired episodes including Sectionals.
Disclaimer: © Fox
A/N: Written for sullyvann because she probably would have died if I didn’t. A companion of Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.
- Not at all good, but I tried.
- Also please ignore random verb tense change. For some reason the smut wanted to be in present tense.


While Puck had always considered an oncoming apocalypse to be fucking awesome, because that was when all the chicks would let lose and he would probably be so damn preoccupied he wouldn’t even know when the meteor hit Earth until he was already disintegrated by fire and orgasms, he is fairly certain that he is currently seeing the End of the World and it is not, in any fathomable way, fucking cool at all.

In fact, the only conceivable outcome to his current situation was to blow his own head off because there is no way he can come back from this; his life was now forfeit and he at least comforted himself by recognizing this fact and preemptively ending things so he would still live on as the Legend That Was Puck which he wholeheartedly deserved. He could not be a role model for future Sex Vikings if he allowed this to continue. If his girlthing couldn’t understand this, then she was not worthy to be his girlthing anyway.


A Guesstimated (Because Puck isn’t a Fucking Calendar) Five Months Earlier

“Are you sure you know what you are doing, young man?”

Ok seriously. If she spoke again, Puck was going to deck this bitch. Why was he even here? Oh that’s right, his fucking friends wanted to die, that’s why. Some douchebag had the gall to tell him that there was a cougar at this address who wanted her pool cleaned. Thoroughly. Knowing that his boys always had his back, he didn’t even question it. How the hell was he supposed to know it was April Fucking Fools Day and he was going to be fucking miserable for the next two hours because this lady was at least 200 years old and had something to say about everything he did? What the fuck?

“Are you certain you don’t need my help?”

What? Was she fucking retarded? She would probably break her hip if she walked toward him. Not to mention she hovered in her doorway with her hand around an umbrella handle, as though she was expecting him to attack her at any moment. Which ok, he would give her that since he was about to do that if she said any-fucking-thing else.

Of course she didn’t fucking stop talking. He hadn’t said a single word to her since he first saw her face, yet she was undeterred and continued to berate him with her old lady speech that made his skin crawl unpleasantly. He was certain that his dick had actually died at the sight of her. He would never fuck again. He was finished.

(Puck knows that Rachel Berry would have committed suicide if his dick had died and he is particularly smug about it.)

Puck was trying his hardest to get this shit done because if he did not put 50 miles between himself and this lady as soon as fucking possible, he really might just die. Her oldness was wearing off on him and he was going to drop dead from a heart attack any minute now.

“Young man, did you hear me? I asked if you were certain you did not need my help.”

He lost it then. He turned around so fast he was dizzy and when his eyes looked daggers into her face—his entire body went numb, eyes growing to the size of saucers and he felt an extremely awful flop in the pit of his stomach.

She had just—

She was—

Puck stood frozen solid as he watched the oldest fucking lady of all time lick her lips and wink at him. In his mind he saw himself taking off then, so quick he would win a gold medal at the Olympics. In reality he was still standing there, staring at her and wondering if he had fallen asleep and this lady was the nightmare he had dreaded his entire teenaged life.

His body woke up before his mind did and the next thing he knew he was sprinting the fuck out of this lady’s yard. He vaulted over the fence without any hesitation and without any error. He was driving away in his truck before he even realized he left his water testing kit in her yard and he was glad he would never have to look at that shit again.



“Noah, you could at least clean up your room when you know I’m going to be coming over,” Rachel scoffs at the mess that litters Puck’s bedroom.

He is lying on his back in bed and he hoists himself up on his elbows and glances around the room before his eyes find her face. “Clean what?” He looks genuinely befuddled by her comment, which probably makes Rachel’s head blow a gasket—something he is really good at doing and not-so-secretly enjoys.

Rachel steps through a warzone of clothes, dirty dishes, trash and God knows what else in an attempt to reach his bed without contracting a disease. Puck watches her through lidded eyes, triumph in his chest—he is going to get laid tonight. But like the start of every episode with Rachel, the very last thing on her mind is having sex with him, regardless of the fact that each episode ends with her having sex with him or some variation thereof.

By the time she reaches his bed, Puck is feeling giddy with the anticipation of touching her and he does not hide it.

“Why are you grinning like that?” She asks cautiously, not finishing her trek to his bed. She was probably two feet away from the edge of it and his head was nearly on the headboard which meant his dick was at least five feet away from her pussy and that was not going to serve at all. He attempts to blank his expression then, staring into her eyes intently with his best ‘come hither’ look whilst repeating in his mind over and over “you are going to fuck me.”

It turns out subliminal messages actually work.

Rachel is writhing beneath his hands like a snake and she is so fucking wet his fingers slide around all wrong when she moves. “Babe, quit squirming,” he hisses into her ear and bites down on her earlobe lightly, then flicks it with his tongue. He hears that moan escape her that makes his cock jump and damnit she shouldn’t be able to do that to him.

“Noah,” she breathes more than speaks and he lifts his head and looks into her eyes then. Before she can say anything else he moves his fingers in a scissoring motion and his thumb barely brushes her clit and she is melting into his mattress and he can’t even look at her face anymore without coming right there.

He has turned putting on a condom into an art form because it’s something that Rachel always wants to watch him do. She never fails to get turned on when his hand is anywhere near his dick and even though he would rather she be putting it on him, he cannot get enough of how her face sparks when she sees him touching himself. It strikes him as odd that he doesn’t find any of this out until they are not-at-all-dating, because he usually has every girl figured out after fucking her one time. Rachel, on the other hand, surprises him still and when he has his hand around the base of his cock so he can unfurl the condom over it, she springs at him like a fucking cat and somehow pins him on his back, the condom flying from his hand.

Puck’s head collides uncomfortably with the wood frame at the foot of his bed and while it does not hurt that much, the crack that floods the air makes Rachel stop dead. Her eyes turn into huge circles and he is scrambling to reassure her that he has not lost any brain functionality. If he does not do something drastic now, his entire night was going to go to shit.

His hand wraps around the familiar length and he meets her eyes, daring her to break his gaze. His hand pumps slowly, almost too slowly for him to stand, and she cannot hold his eyes for more than a minute. The injury fizzles from her mind and she bats away his hand and he can’t hide the smirk on his face. She doesn’t see it because she’s looking at his cock like a meal; his hips jerk up involuntarily at the thought. She leans down and licks him, from base to tip, and he’s pretty sure his brain explodes. Her mouth barely closes around him and he already feels that hitch in his stomach. Rachel apparently recognizes the moan he emits because she pulls back and begins rubbing her thumb in circles on the head until he releases fluid all over her fingers. She hears him mutter “Jesus,” and giggles quietly before leaning up and kissing him fully on the mouth.

“Noah,” she is saying later, when they are lying together on his bed. Puck can tell by the sound of her voice that she’s about to ask him something that she knows he is not going to like. He considers ignoring her, but that always results in ranting he doesn’t care for either.

He doesn’t say anything, but he looks at her with a ‘what now’ look to let her know he acknowledges her existence, at least.

So she continues. “My parents wanted me to invite you over Friday for my Nana’s birthday party.”

Puck’s hand falls heavily on his face and his groan is not elusive. “Is she an alcoholic?” He asks randomly and feels her sit up.

“What? Why would you ask that!”

“I’ve never heard of an old lady having so many shindigs in my life. It sounds like she is looking for any excuse to get shit faced.” He knows when he is saying this that it is going to make her freak out, but it is kind of his life’s work to make Rachel Berry exasperated in a new way everyday. He is pleased to find that he has not failed to do so today.

“She is not an alcoholic!” Rachel sounds like a child not getting what she wants.

“Is there going to be any way for me to get out of this?” He knows better, but asks anyway.

“Definitely not! Especially after you called Nana a drunk!”


The only conceivable outcome to Puck’s current situation was to blow his own head off because there was no way he could come back from this; his life was now forfeit. His brain was searching frantically for the location of the nearest firearm when he felt Rachel’s elbow dig into his side. She tugged down on his arm (fairly hard for such a small girl—if she pulled it out of its socket how was he going to commit suicide properly?) that she had been holding and hissed into his ear “What are you doing?”

Puck was just staring and there were no words.

A wink.

A smile.

A wrinkled old lady giving him ‘the eye.’

The flashback erupted in the back of his head with an explosion that actually gave him a fucking headache. He looked at Rachel briefly and then his eyes snapped back to Nana Berry as he blinked furiously to wake himself up because there was no fucking way this was happening right now. Rachel was staring up at him with the ‘you are ruining my life’ face and he was not able to stop himself—he actually dry heaved when he looked back at her grandmother.

One of Rachel’s dads, who was standing nearby chatting to another family member of Rachel’s, heard the noise and turned toward Puck, confusion in his face. “Noah? Have you eaten something bad?”

Rachel pretended not to hear and was pulling Puck from the room with an ‘I’m sorry’ thrown over her shoulder. When they were outside of the house entirely, she erupted in his face.

“Noah Puckerman! What on Earth—what is wrong with you? I knew you were deplorable, but really, this is just repugnant!”

Puck opened his mouth, but she wasn’t finished. He probably should have guessed that, but seeing as he was still stunned, he was not too annoyed that she wasn’t even giving him the chance to explain. He was not sure he could explain this.

“Did you ever even consider the fact that my family is very beloved to me and it is exceedingly important to me that they consider you in good favor? You can act like a child with me, Noah, but how could you go in there with the intentions of making my family think you are a social deviant that has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever?”

Not being in visual contact with her grandmother was allowing his brain to refocus and he was not happy with how she was chewing him out when he didn’t even do anything. Well ok, he had tried to vomit at the sight of her wrinkly faced Nana, but who wouldn’t have in this situation?

“What the fuck, Berry? It is not my fucking fault that your grandmother is a fucking psycho and wants to have sex with her granddaughter’s boyfriend!” He winched when he said the word because that is not at all what he was but she was putting him on edge and making him forget his own Viking values.

At least that got her attention and shut her up. She stared at him stupidly and it made him want to make out with her but he didn’t because he knew she would probably slap him or some shit.

“You cannot be serious! We all know you’re as vain as the sky is blue, Puckerman, but this is completely outrageous, even for you.” Her hands looked like they were going to dig holes into her hips, she was gripping them so hard. God, she was really turning him on with all this anger bullshit and why the hell had he agreed to do this anyway? He wanted to have sex with Rachel, not her 500 year old grandmother that kept eying him like a meat market. Fuck, just because he was a Viking did not mean that he was going to have sex with anything that had legs! Noah Puckerman was not desperate enough to fuck a fossil just to get off.

“It’s not my fucking ego, Berry. She fucking hit on me! I am not fucking kidding!” He was fairly certain that ‘fuck’ was going to lose its emphasis if he used it anymore, but he wasn’t Rachel and he did not plan on digging out a thesaurus to expand his adjective word base. Why the hell did he even know what an adjective was?

Her eyebrows lifted so high he expected them to take flight from her forehead. “Ok, let’s indulge your ridiculous fantasy for a moment, Noah. When exactly would my Nana have met you and had the chance to partake in this adolescent behavior you are describing?”

He should be angry with the way she was not listening to him, but he was distracted by how hot she looked when she was this angry. He was going to have a difficult time telling her anything if he couldn’t take care of the problem that was growing in his pants. Why couldn’t this crazy Jew bitch just be ugly so he could get the fuck out of this situation she had entangled him in? He had suppressed this memory for very good reason and now she was expecting him to relive it. This was so fucking uncool!

“I cleaned her pool, Berry. A few months back. Matt tricked me into thinking she was a fine lady and I bashed his fucking face in the second I escaped from her.”

“You have some nerve talking about a sweet elderly woman like this, Noah!”

“She isn’t sweet at all! She fucking sexed me with her eyes! She wanted to fuck me and I could not book my way out of her yard faster than I did. I didn’t even get paid because I was afraid she would rape me!” Ok it wasn’t quite that dramatic, but he might as well commit now. Rachel was always telling him that he had to put his all into what he was doing and that he should commit this effort into more than just sex. She should be damn proud of him.

“This is completely irrational, Noah! There’s no possibility that my Nana would behave like this! You are being preposterous!”

“What the fuck ever, Berry! I’m not going back in there and if you don’t believe me, then fuck you! You aren’t worth the damned energy!”

She looked pretty stunned and hurt at what he said. He felt like a dick now, but he wasn’t going to apologize to her. Rachel seemed to deflate in front of him, arms hanging loosely at her sides and her face falling. “Don’t leave. I’ll be back in a moment,” she said finally and left him on the front lawn. He really needed a fucking drink right now.

He had time enough to think that he wasn’t going to get any tonight. Damn that woman! He wasn’t sure which woman he was damning, but damn them all at the moment for making him horny and also for making his lunch want to vacate his stomach. This situation was gayer than even Kurt could even be, and that was saying something.

Rachel returned about ten minutes later. She shut the door behind her and when she faced him, she had this vacant look in her face that Puck had never seen. His eyebrows cocked up on his forehead but he didn’t say anything. She didn’t either. She stopped in front of him, staring at his chest. “What—” he began to ask but she raised her hand to silence him. Usually he would ignore her, but she looked positively freaky just then.

“My…my Nana…” She was having trouble speaking and he wondered if the old bitch had lied about it. He wouldn’t put it past her. What an awful Jew. “My Nana wants to have intercourse with my boyfriend,” she finally fumbled out and Puck was frowning.

“I’m not your—”

She just ignored him and continued, looking up into his face. “She actually said, ‘yes, I would totally hit that.’ I think…I think I want to die now.”

“Hey now, none of that,” Puck said, considering how lonely his lower half would become if she was gone. Did this mean he planned to put up with her even though her grandmother was a cradle-robber? “Just because your Nana is a freak doesn’t mean that we still can’t have a good time.” It better not or he’s going to have to find another girlthing. He only kept this one because she was hot and knew how to give him a good time. Sometimes she was even tolerable, but he’d never tell her that. Actually he hadn’t said the ‘L’ word since the one night it slipped out in his carelessness.

“Look Noah, as your girl—”


She glared at him. “Girl—”


“Puck!” He was frustrating her, which made her face scrunch up and made him hornier.

“As your friend I will support you in this situation and not force anymore contact between you and my grandmother, given the strange circumstances we find ourselves in. I have excused us for the evening—”

“Oh shit, really? Let’s get the fuck out of here then,” he turned and was already halfway to the truck before she could even pull herself together to follow. Just as he reached the truck he jump into the air and clicked his heels together because not only was he going to get laid, he was also going to be as far as possible from the creepy old lady that wanted to do him. He should tell her that he’d rather do her granddaughter and see if that made her stop eying him. No, she’d probably try to run him over then. After she raped him.

Rachel laughed at the sight of him, suddenly giddy and childish at being able to leave. He turned to look at her and smirked. “What are you laughing at, Berry?”

She rolled her eyes and advanced toward him, smiling to herself. “I already know what you are thinking.”

Puck chuckled; as if she had any idea how his complex brain functioned! “Oh really, and what would that be?” He wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her to him and leaned down, kissing just beneath her right ear.

He heard her say, “You think you deserve sex because of what you just experienced.”

Pulling back, he looked in her face, impressed. “I guess you do know what I am thinking.”

Rachel leaned up and kissed him. “Alright, let’s go then.”

Did she just give her consent to have sex with him? Without him having to seduce her? “What?” He gaped at her.

“You want to do it or not? Let’s get going!” She waited for him to unlock the doors to the vehicle.

Puck pulled out of her driveway so fast that his tires squealed and all the dogs in the neighborhood started to bark.



I wanted to show my notes for this story, because they amuse the crap out of me. Not everything went how I planned, but still.
- Puck cleans her pool, though without knowing she is of any relation to Rachel
- Nana Berry is a sex fox and hits on him
- Awkward shit ensues (Uh, Puck is 17 and Nana is 76 so please no)
- Rachel and Puck start dating (awwwww!)
- Rachel brings Puck to a (to be named in the future) family function in which WTF Nana Berry is the crazy bitch who tried to sex up Puck!
- Nana Berry winks at Puck like he's a sex god (which he is, but STILL)
- Puck starts acting all funny and ends up being rude-kinda to her and Rachel flips out and is like "WTF why are you mean to my grandmother?!"
- The lady gives him the money she owed him for cleaning her pool.
- "Did you just sell my Nana drugs?"
- Then Puck has to pull her aside and explain ('please kill me') to her what is going on
- Rachel definitely does not believe her Nana would do this
- They fight sorta
- They get over it sorta
- They have sex sorta (because the smut is just needed)
- Rachel ends up asking her Nana years later (how long does that bitch live, anyway?) when she and Puck were married (maybe) and Nana is like "HELL YEAH I tried to hit that!"

SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER by the BLOOD ARM in el background


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 25th, 2009 03:17 am (UTC)
What the fuck ever
LOL! I say this all the time!

loved the fic~
Dec. 25th, 2009 06:57 am (UTC)
Dec. 25th, 2009 07:00 am (UTC)
Hehe. Aww thankies. I'm glad you liked it. I intended there to be more interaction between Nana and Puck, but once he left the house he refused to talk to her anymore. Lol.
Dec. 25th, 2009 07:03 am (UTC)
it WOULD have been funny for her to tell PUCK she'd hit that, but i LOVED this. so much.
Dec. 25th, 2009 08:20 am (UTC)
Hahahaha, this is hysterical.
Dec. 28th, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
Yay! Glad you liked. :D
Dec. 25th, 2009 08:45 am (UTC)
Love this. Lots of laugh out loud moments.
Dec. 28th, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
Thank you thank you!
Dec. 25th, 2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
ZOMG - like halfway through I was just, "No. No. no," but laughing hysterically, so win.

Of course, you really can't blame Nana Berry, because Puck is a sex god.
Dec. 28th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC)
Yeah, that's about how I felt writing it. Lol

Yes yes! Its truth! :D
Dec. 26th, 2009 06:58 am (UTC)
This. Was. Amazing. I kinda love his inability to call her his girlfriend. "Girlthing."

I love it!

Dec. 28th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC)
Hehe. Puck seems like the type of guy who would think that not using that word would make it not true.
Dec. 28th, 2009 02:43 am (UTC)
Highly entertaining.
Dec. 28th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Oh, and I forgot to say that "girlthing" is my new favorite word.
Dec. 28th, 2009 03:20 am (UTC)
Haha. Its particularly offensive too, but oh well. It sounded Puck-ish to me. :)
Jan. 20th, 2010 10:21 pm (UTC)
Seriously just obsessed with all things Puckleberry, but this story was so laugh out loud funny. Don't usually review, but I couldn't not on this. More please!
Oct. 15th, 2010 11:52 am (UTC)
love this!
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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